I recently had a conversation with a friend and I heard these words:
“You are not the side dish, you are the entire menu.”
As I meditated upon these words I thought about the times in my life, past and present, that I have allowed myself to be the “backup plan” or “substitute girlfriend” and wondered how many other people, who’s desire to have connections with the opposite sex allow themselves to also fall into that same role.
The bible tells us that our first command is to Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength, and second to this, we are to Love our neighbor as yourself. We are to love our brothers and sisters in Christ, we are to treat them with respect, be kind, selfless, humble, put others first, and protect them. In 1 Corinthians it says love does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking. When dealing with others we need to be aware of how our actions are affecting them. Just because it is not emotionally affecting us does not mean it isn’t having the opposite reaction on the people we are surrounding ourselves with.
Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy! I heard a girl put it this way recently…
“I’m not the kind of girl who is going to go to a bar and leave with a guy and have a one night stand, physical boundaries are not a problem for me but emotional boundaries, that’s another story.”
Your time, your attention, your heart are just as important as sex. We might not be giving ourselves physically to someone but if we are giving ourselves over to them emotionally, that is a problem.
As I was browsing the Internet trying to find some encouragement and wisdom for the things I was feeling I stumbled across an article titled Not Your Buddy from one of my favorite sources. This is a great article and I hope everyone reading this blog takes the time to read the article as well http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001845.cfm
Here are some of the takeaways from the article:
- “If a woman feels her heart longing for a man who’s not pursuing her, indulging those feelings is unwise.”
- “Paul instructed Timothy to treat young women “as sisters with absolute purity.” You never have to wonder if your brother is romantically interested in you.”
- “Ecclesiastes croons, “There is a time for love.” If, as a woman, you are indulging in an intimate friendship with a man who is not pursuing you, you are accepting a cheap imitation of love. And by spending all your time with a guy who will never put a ring on your finger, you may miss a potential suitor.”
- “If, as a man, you are spending large quantities of time with a woman, you may want to consider if perhaps the relationship is deserving of an upgrade to an intentional relationship that explores the possibility of matrimony. If not, do your sister the courtesy of making your stance clear, freeing her to be pursued by another man.”
Listen closely girls… Yes, as men of God, our brother’s in Christ play a role in protecting our hearts, but it is not their responsibility. You are responsible for protecting your heart (Proverbs 4:23). We can’t possibly expect them to know everything we struggle with.
P.S. we might think they know what is going on in our heads and even if we have told them how we feel, chances are he’s still not getting it HE DOESN’T GET IT. And we can’t be mad at him for that. He’s wired differently. It’s our responsibility to take ourselves out of situations that are hurting us.
When you find yourself seeking emotional comfort from a man, I encourage you to seek Christ first! He will definitely satisfy that need. He longs for us to look to him when we are weary. He longs to be our emotional support.
Just look at what he tells us in His word:
Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.
Proverbs 8:17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently will find me.
Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
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