Friday night, I went to a coffee shop to watch my lovely friend Julie perform. She is a very talented singer, and every time she plays I jump at the chance to go listen to her sing. I’ve listened to her many times before, but this night she sang songs I have never heard before. In the middle of singing her heart out through songs she had written, both past and present, about heartache and love, she sang a Kasey Chambers song called “Not Pretty Enough.”
As Julie sang the words “not pretty enough” I fought back the tears created by an emotional tug on my heart. I thought about how many times I’ve felt that way, wondering “What’s wrong with me, why not me?”
In fact, several months ago I asked a guy that very question. It was a moment of insecurity and weakness and I gave in to something I had no business asking him. In my mind we already had the makings of a great relationship; we had a solid friendship, enjoyed each other’s company and conversation and could make each other laugh. We’d banter and bicker but still weren’t sick of each other, so … why not me?
After my conversation with him I realized how big my insecurities had become. I lacked confidence completely. I couldn’t see my own beauty, so how in the world did I expect a man to see it?
I knew there was still some brokenness inside of me from a past relationship, but I thought I had healed from that. In that moment I realized I had some more work to do. Prior to this past relationship I had had so much confidence that if I saw a guy I was physically attracted to, I usually ended up dating him. Looks were the first thing on my mind back then (thank you, Jesus, for changing my heart). But through the course of our relationship he broke me down, layer by layer. He said horribly hateful things about my appearance, my character, my self worth … and the more he said those things, the more I let myself believe they were true. Every time I looked into the mirror, I saw a broken girl with cracks and pieces missing, a girl who believed she was too broken to ever be loved again.
Through the journey of committing to honor God with my body, I have found that He is restoring my confidence again. Yes, my outer shell is changing, but it is only a physical reflection of the change the Lord has been doing in my heart. God has been stripping away all of the pain; He is restoring the cracks, and for the first time in a very long time, I was able to look into the mirror Saturday night and no longer see a broken girl. I praise the Lord for the work He has done and continues to do in me, but more importantly, I am thankful for the scars. I can say now, with complete confidence, that I know my scars are beautiful!
I pray that you will ask the Lord to reveal to you the things you need to release in order to heal from your hurt and allow him to replace the brokenness with hope. Allow Him to take your tears of pain and turn them into tears of awe, thinking about His magnificent work … because let me tell you something: He already sees your beauty!
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